(or – How to save your marriage from yourself)
Loving, accepting, supporting, appreciating and respecting one-self is a precursor to ever expecting that someone else will successfully do these things. Here’s what you must do.
If you are not loving yourself, then you are unlikely to be loved by others. Unconsciously, we are wary that others are also not being loving of us, just as we are being unloving of ourselves.
If we are giving off the energetic signals that we are not quite up to scratch, others will keep their distance from us, or treat us badly, just as we have been doing to ourselves.
We put ourselves in an unconscious trap, then, by constantly treating ourselves badly – silently – within. Simply by choosing to be loving towards self and also to others, we can totally change our energy, and our energetic signal to others. By being determined to bring compassion to the way we relate to ourselves, we break the mould we were cast into so many years ago.
Now this won’t feel comfortable. To begin with, we will feel vain, guilty and anxious that we are treating ourselves so well. Our discomfort may reach screaming pitch that we are outrageously accepting, respecting and prioritizing ourselves.
Yet, once we can do this consistently, we will not only remove our critic in relation to others, but we will become a less critical person in general. The change within will be reflected in the way we treat others, and of course in the way they will then relate to us.
Once we’ve broken through the unacceptable-to-self barrier, we will find it easier to stay open to others because our defences will no longer be required. We will also feel more secure, and less vulnerable to being disliked by another. This will increase our desirability to others, and will make us easier to relate to, and of course considerably less reactive, because there is no vulnerable not-good-enough inner child to protect.
Now we are open to being loved by another, and when this love comes to us, it will inadvertently confirm that we truly are worthy, deserving and lovable. Of course we knew this anyway, because we’ve already done the work on self love that we know is necessary. So being loved by others becomes icing on the cake; a cake that we’ve already baked within us.
Now our relationship has become healthy. We’re no longer relying on our mate to keep us uplifted. Instead of being needy, blaming, critical and a victim, we’ve now got the energy to be compassionate, understanding and patient when our partner loses the plot. We recognise that s/he has the problem, not ourselves.
Now with our renewed strength, we can take care of ourselves. At times, we may even have something left to take care of others as well. Now that our buttons are not being pushed (because we healed them), others losing the plot is not only no longer our problem, but we will never take their issues personally again.
Now we can be caring, accepting and supportive of others because we have learned to successfully do all this for ourselves – first.